Godlike
by Yanara126
Summary: Sesshomaru contemplates his past, his motivations and his future.


**If you find any errors, be it grammatical ones or otherwise, please tell me. English is not my first language so it's possible I used some phrases wrong.^^° I'm also not entirely sure yet how uploading on this website actually works, so if it's super obvious I'm doing something wrong, please teach me, sensei! The bold and cursive text passages are song lyrics of Nothing feels right (The Godlike Song) by Calise Alex, so not mine. I would tell you to listen to it, but it's almost impossible to find it on the internet, no idea why. Sadly, Inuyasha doesn't belong to me either, if it would, Sesshomaru would have had his own show long ago. That sentence has been uttered by so many different people, it's almost amazing. xD**

 **I hope you enjoy this little One-Shot. I have to admit, it's mostly just an excuse to get my headcanon into the world.^^° If you want to use it, you are welcome to do so, but please inform me of it, I'd love to read what you make of it.^^**

* * *

The wind blew quietly through the trees as he stood on a cliff, looking off into the distance. He had left Rin and Jaken somewhere in the forest to have some time alone and think. Normally, he enjoyed Rin's happy babbling and would simply blend out Jaken's voice, if he got too annoying, but today he needed the silence.

They had passed through a human village a few hours ago, to get Rin a new Kimono. That in itself was nothing unusual, but this time something had been different…

 _Rin ran happily around, admiring the beautiful Kimonos that were shown at the market, while Sesshomaru stood to the side, watching her and enduring the stares the humans gave him. Since he knew said stares were not hateful, he ignored them._

 _He had been careful to choose a village that tolerated demons at least to a minimum. Certainly not for his sake, but for Rin's. He did not want her to be judged because she travelled with a youkai. Besides, why put up with the annoyance of a hostile village if he could easily avoid it?_

 _With the stares usually came whispers too and he wasn't disappointed this time either. It was ridiculous how bad the human hearing had to be if they seriously thought he could not hear them._

„ _Do you know who that is? "_

„ _Those clothes look really expensive; do you think he could be some sort of royal? "_

„ _Look at those features, almost godlike! "_

Godlike… A word he had always associated with his father. Yes, that was what his father had been for him as a child, a god. Never would he have thought of himself in that way.

His father… The truth was, he had admired his father, and still did. He had almost worshiped him as a child. Until his father had chosen a human mate. At first, he hadn't minded too much, had dismissed it as temporary phase. But then his father had left him alone for always longer times until he had spent more time with her than with his son.

He had tried to get his father's attention back by trying to be the perfect heir his mother had always told him he had to be. He had trained and had become even better than his tutors. He had surpassed everyone's expectations and had been sure that the next time his father came home he would have to notice.

But when his father had finally arrived, all he would talk about was that the human had gotten pregnant. He hadn't even noticed his progress. He would never admit it, but that reaction had hurt, and badly. In that moment, he had decided, that if he wanted to be perfect for his father he would need to never let something like that get to him ever again. And he had been successful, nobody had ever noticed anything.

No, that wasn't true, his father had obviously noticed something, not the reason for the slight change, but at least the change itself.

That last conversation, it had hurt even more than the one before. The disappointment in his father's voice, a disappointment he hadn't understood the reason of. Had he not become everything his father had wanted him to be? He was strong and completely in control, yet he would always try to be better and stronger, to one day be worthy to lead his father's kingdom. And what should "someone to protect" mean? It would only be a weakness to have to protect someone, wouldn't it?

And why had his father obviously preferred the Hanyou over him? The child hadn't even been born yet, so why would he fly to what would certainly be his death, just for it?

He hadn't tried to stop his father, for he had been sure, that he would reconsider before it was too late. He had never thought that his father would go that far, that his father would actually… leave him alone. He had obviously been wrong. A feeling he had gotten to know very well in the years following his father's death.

 ** _One love quashed another_**

 ** _If there ever was a battle_**

 ** _Only to discover that my heart became a matter_**

He was strong, had already been back then. More than anyone would have expected a child to be. Still, he hadn't been even remotely close to being able to handle the chaos that had erupted after his father had died. He had only been a child and had already inherited an enormous empire. Naturally, many demons had tried to kill him and claim the territory as their own. They had come after him immediately after word had spread that the great lord of the western lands was dead. The only choice he had had to survive was to run. The memory made him want to shake with anger, but he suppressed it, just like he always had. Yes, he had run. That was a fact he couldn't change anymore.

There was a slight twitch around his eyes, a movement so subtle only Rin could have been able to even notice, much less correctly interpret it. She was surprisingly observant for a child her age.

Of course he had been too, he had needed to be to survive, when he had been only a little older than her. Those first few years after his father's death… He might have called them painful, had he actually ever talked about them. His mother had pretty much ignored his situation. Not that he had expected much, but he had thought she would at least let him remain in her approximate surroundings. Instead she had moved to her own family's castle and told him to fend for himself.

A cloud drifted slowly over sky and covered the moon.

Another misjudgement on his part. The next had been, that he had expected, well not expected really, but at least hoped in some way to find some respite with his father's human. It had taken him a few weeks to get out of the immediate danger zone and get rid of the demons that had noticed him flee the massacre in front of what had once been his home. When he had managed to either lose them somewhere or kill them, he had gone to the only place he had been able think of that could at least have been a place to rest, even if it would never have been truly safe. As soon as the woman had seen him, she had gasped fearfully, backed up against wall and turned around, so he couldn't get to the bundle in her arms.

Now, years later, and as kind of parent of his own, he could understand her reaction. He had been covered in blood, some of it his own, some of it not. He must have been really a sight to behold, it was only natural that her first reaction had been to defend her child. But at that time, when he had been barely a teenager and completely exhausted and in pain, both physically and mentally, it had been just another betrayal.

After that he had not tried to get help again. He had just run, fought and tried to stay alive. Slowly the attacks became fewer until they had mostly stopped, and he had finally been able to breathe again.

 ** _And being the best, it always gets the best of me_**

 ** _One moment you're on top and then the next you're on your knees_**

He had thought that would be the end of it. The power vacuum had been filled, mostly with petty warlords, that had somehow manged to get control over a few villages. A part of the kingdom still belonged to his mother, not because she actively ruled, but she was most powerful youkai in the area and the others simply tried to avoid her. A few tribes that had been loyal to his father by choice had transferred their loyalty to him, which had given him a sort of safe haven and the hope that he could retake his father's lands.

What he had not counted on, was that with the immediate threat to his life gone, he had finally had the time to process all the things that had happened. His father's sacrifice, his mother's abandonment, his almost step mother's denial and the fact that he had almost died multiple times. It had taken another two weeks, but eventually he had broken down in some forest and had sobbed through the night.

Somewhere in the distance he could hear a wolf's howl. It was far enough away to not bother him yet, but he would have to return to the others soon, Rin would be scared.

After his little episode, he hadn't been able to stay in the village anymore and had started his journey to get back his father's lands. Before that he had planned to find Tetsusaiga, while he had grown considerably stronger over the course of his bloody adventure, it would have been an immense help.

 ** _Nothing feels right_**

 ** _On the inside_**

 ** _I could heal my wounds if I was godlike_**

Well, if he was honest with himself, that plan had already been useless when he had lost his arm, all the other times he had tried to get it were simply out of spite. That and pride, he simply hadn't been able to accept that his father had made the sword unusable for him. Really, he still couldn't, but there were only so many times someone could get their ass handed to them and still come back for more.

His left hand… Sometimes he was very thankful for his long sleeves, this way no one could see when his stump twitched, because he tried to use a limb that was no longer there. It was pathetic, and he knew it. He deserved it though, for letting the half breed get the better of him.

A lesser man might have scoffed or scowled at the thought or at the very least smiled bitterly, not so Sesshomaru. Nothing about his face or body posture suggested how much it still hurt him. The godlike comment became more and more ridiculous each second.

Though he was very much aware of his own limits now and could without a doubt say he was not at the level of a god, at least not yet, he also started to doubt the pedestal he had put his father on, was truly deserved. But in the end, it didn't matter anyway. He would never get the chance to see him again and possibly revaluate his opinion. Maybe it was better that way. He had a goal to reach, he would surpass his father and become the strongest Daiyoukai the world had ever seen. Everything else came second.

That was how it was supposed to be. He had no need for petty emotions like hurt, doubt or, gods forbid, sympathy. The only emotion that could prove useful was anger. That system had worked fairly well for most of the time. He had been able to establish quite the reputation for himself as the cold-hearted killer he needed to be to prove himself worthy of being called his father's son.

He ignored the twinge in his heart when he thought about how even his father's old friends whom he had grown up with, now feared him.

 ** _Patience is no virtue ever worth time waiting for_**

 ** _For every moment spent you always close another door_**

Not only had they readily given up on him, they had not even found it worth it to tell Inuyasha anything else than the fact that he was dangerous. Not that he had wanted them to or had done anything to change that, but still… somehow, he had expected more.

A redundant thought, one could not expect those fools to see beyond their own fear anymore than he could be expected to suddenly start meowing.

Another howl sounded over the tree tops, this time a lot closer.

He should really get going.

He turned around and slowly walked away from the cliff into the forest, still deeply in thought.

Inuyasha… the source of a lot of his confusion. He had first met his half brother when he had only been a little boy. For some reason he had felt compelled to see the little brat his father had given his life for. They had seen each other and watched, the smaller one of them with a ball in his hands and eyes wide with awe, the older one completely composed. After that he had returned again and again without ever knowing why.

Then the boys mother had died and for some reason the whelp had thought himself entitled to something from him. How ridiculous. He had had his problems to solve even without a weak half-blood constantly running behind him. And even if he had had the time and resources, why should he take care of the little pest that had ruined his life? Just because he had been curious to see his father's biggest mistake and had found himself unable to ignore it didn't mean he held any affection for it, right? Of course, what a silly thought. He would have to get better control over himself again.

The next time he had seen the boy had been when he had come for Tetsusaiga.

He walked the way back. He was in no hurry. The wolves would probably not even come close to their encampment, so he was really only needed to provide Rin some comfort should she need it, Jaken would be able to handle some low life Youkai or animal. Even if some kind of threat to his pack suddenly appeared, he could be there in seconds if necessary. He could already hear Jaken screaming at Rin again, something about not eating mushrooms. He would have to make sure to hit him with a stone again when he was back.

Ah yes, his throwing skills. Another memory gone bitter with time. Throwing and kicking stones with precision had been the first thing his father had ever taught him. At his own demand, after all, he hadn't wanted to only fetch when they were playing. Of course, that skill had become useless now. He was unlikely to be able to kill any of his opponents with stones and Rin did not exactly fall into the category of children who would enjoy playing fetch. Well, it wasn't completely useless. Actually it was very useful for shutting Jaken up.

 ** _And being the best, it always gets the best of me_**

 ** _One moment you're on top and then the next you're on your knees_**

As annoying as the toad demon was, it was also refreshing to have someone around who spoke his mind and still knew how to take a hint and shut up. Even if he needed to be given the hint with a certain amount of force behind it. He had enough discipline to follow orders and not seriously question them, which was a respectable trait. Discipline had played an exceptionally important part of his own childhood. Even before his own resolution of self betterment, he had been raised to be a warrior, calculating and disciplined, and to never act rashly or impulsively.

Unlike the Hanyou whelp, who seemed to be completely incapable of ever using his brain. Really, had his mother even tried to raise him properly? He would never understand what his father had seen in the mortal. He had only really seen her once, the night of his escape. That night he hadn't really thought about her and her behaviour, he had just been angry and hurt.

With age understanding had come and a question had wormed its way into his mind. Had the woman even known about his existence? From the way his father had talked about her, he wouldn't have thought her to be likely to turn away a child, much less the child of her lover, no matter how horrific their attire. She hadn't even looked twice at him, had just assumed his hostile intentions. That only allowed two possible conclusions, assuming he was correct in his deduction about her character. Either his father had told her about him as an automatic threat to her life, or he hadn't told her about him at all. He wasn't sure which option hurt more.

 ** _Nothing feels right_**

 ** _Nothing feels right_**

 ** _Everything's so strange_**

 ** _Something's gotta change_**

"Lord Sesshomaru, you're back!" He stopped walking when he felt something enthusiastically clutch his right leg.

"I was worried, because you looked so sad when you left!"

"Rin! How dare you imply something like that! You should really show our Lord some respect! You clearly don't understand…!"

"Jaken?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Shut up."

"Yes, my Lord…" The imp almost seemed to shrink under his stare. It was always entertaining to see that.

"Lord Sesshomaru, you're not sad anymore, are you?" She actually looked concerned and he had no idea how to answer her question. He wasn't sad per se, but he was… unbalanced. Well, he did not need to explain himself and there was no point in upsetting her further with trying.

"No, Rin"

"Good!" She had such a sweet and innocent smile. Sometimes he wondered how he himself would have looked with such a smile. Though he most certainly wouldn't have run around picking flowers and making flower crowns as his ward liked to do. But enough useless contemplation, he had a job to do.

"We will continue."

"Yes, Lord Sesshomaru!" How odd, she was still smiling, even while getting Ah-Un and starting another journey she did not know the end of. And there would be an end, even if she still wanted to follow him after he beat Naraku. At some point she would want to settle down and have a family with someone. He already knew he would make sure she wouldn't need miss anything and of course he would be very careful whom he would allow to court her. She would probably have children at some point, maybe even grandchildren, and sometime later she would die. What a strange feeling to know that. Would he take care of her children even after her death? Binding himself to a human family like that seemed like a bad idea, but for some reason he couldn't imagine not doing it.

But why did he even care? Why did he feel the need to contemplate these things? Just because of the uneducated comment of a human? How low must he have sunken for something like that to unsettle him so much.

No matter, what had already happened was unchangeable and the future would become clear in due time. Until then he would focus on what he knew he needed to do and not waste valuable time on the past or possible.

And if he took care to spend a little more time with Rin from then on, was a little less angry at Inuyasha when they met and lost a little bit of awe for his father, then there was no one who would ever dare to point it out.


End file.
